Letters from Bob
Let me introduce you to my father, Bob. My parents divorced when I was in middle school and my relationship with him went downhill from there. I have some funny and some rather painful stories of our relationship. He didn’t have a stable family growing up and I understand how that can affect you as an adult. However, there comes a time when you must take responsibility for your actions and leave the past behind. Unfortunately, he let his addiction to drugs dictate his life. As of today we haven’t spoke since I last saw him in a holding cell in October 2005. I’ll be posting letters I’ve received from him over the years.
Warning - some are rather graphic in language. The first is listed below. More to follow.
May 16, 1994
Emily,
I don’t know what to say. I’m hurt and I feel betrayed. You have embarrassed me in front of the entire city by writing this article. You’re a hell of a writer, but you suck at the facts. The divorce wasn’t just hard on you. You can be so selfish. What about me? I’ve bent over backwards to try and be a part of you and your brother’s life. You walk all over me. I didn’t come to your confirmation because you wouldn’t invite my girlfriend to sit with your family in the church. That is so rude. I didn’t raise you to be that way. Your fucking mother tells you shit that isn’t true. I hope you grow up soon.
Dad
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**This was in response to an article I wrote my junior year of high school that was published as a feature piece in our local newspaper. See below.
If I told you that my parents were divorced, you’d probably give me a typical response - “Oh.” Oh, what? Oh, how sad? Oh that’s nice? Oh I see? How about, “Oh, I bet that’s hard”? That pretty much sums up what divorce is. Hard. It is a lot harder than what some people believe. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I am 16 years old and have already been through a divorce - even though I have never been married. When my parents got a divorce, it was like I divorced one of them. Our family split, and the more I accepted the divorce, the more ashamed I felt. For the first couple of years, I tried to conceal it and make up an image that we were still a family. In time, I found out what caused the divorce. From that day on the word ”family” lost its meaning. The time a parent misses with a child can never be replaced. I know that. Only one of my parents was at my confirmation. The same one took pictures at my eighth-grade graduation ceremony. Who saw me when I was all dressed up for the prom? I didn’t have to reserve very many seats at my play in junior high. My basketball and softball games were too much of an inconvenience; maybe that’s why I saw myself as an inconvenience. At one point, I could have screamed every time I heard the word “cancel.”
As hard as the divorce might have been for me, I gained my best friend out of it. And I wouldn’t trade that parent for anything in the world. I always say to myself that I will never get a divorce. After going through one as a child, I couldn’t bear to watch my child suffer the same pain. Five years after the divorce, I am trying to be part of a new family and deal with the guilt of leaving half behind. Divorce is becoming more common. Sometimes things just don’t work. The only advice I can give parents is to remember that they are divorcing their spouse and not their children.
Wow it cannot be easy for you to share this. Your eloquent article must have really hit a nerve - quiet remarkable for a girl of 16 to write something so emotive and affecting. I know I am lucky to say I have not had first hand experience of divorce but I have seen its affect on friends.
it’s very sad to realize, somewhere along the line, that you’ve developed further as a person than your parents ever did. i’m really sorry for the sixteen-year-old who got that letter…and for the adult you are now, who’s probably still trying to work that shit out. kudos for posting it here. hope no fresh “letters from Bob” ensue.
your post is interesting timing for moi…i’ve been struggling just this week with a lot of the mess of my own family, and how it reflects on my approach to parenting - my father had left by the time i reached my son’s age, and i’ve been looking at O and trying to understand that. and i was very tempted to blog about it, except…my family know about my blog. my father - nice man if never a ‘dad’ - reads it occasionally. and since he pretends that everything is just fine…and reacts to not-fineness with MORE distance…i’m too chicken to risk the sideswipe.
but i’m impressed with you.
Just having the sperm does not make you a ‘Dad’.I am so very sad for what your family endured… Your mother was pretty brave to leave… And very brave of you to post of your dealings with your father…
Very sound advice on your part. It shows an extreme lack of immaturity for him not to recognize the impact it had on you…and to still be defensive about it.
Maybe I should clarify….I have a file folder of letters from Bob from over the years. This is one of the first ones that I received while in high school (after writing this feature article in our local newspaper about divorce). The parent I am referring to in article was my father.
Posting this file folder actually helps me get past it. Yes, he’s said some pretty awful things to me (stay tuned for more letters), but I can’t dwell on his issues. It has almost become comical (in that funny now, not then kind of way).
Thanks for the positive feedback!
Wow…his letter must have stung you so badly. Especially since your article should have made him proud rather than “embarrassed.” I’m sorry!
If not proud, then at least concerned. It should have been all about you…not all about him.
I find it very sad when children are more mature than their parents. You seem much more mature than he ever was, and you’ve done extremely well to deal with it and move forward in a healthful way. You should be very proud!
Perhaps I can make you smile a little with the picture you asked for…
http://www.muchmorethanamom.com/?p=374
I could never imagine what it would be like to go to a divorce. I’m sorry that you ever had to endure that.