The Mommy Guilt
It happens to every mom around the world. Sometimes on a daily basis. To me it seems to happen a lot. Whether it be intentional or accidental, it doesn’t curb the appetite of the gnawing feeling deep inside your stomach, quiet the voices in your head or patch the cracks in your heart.
I’m fairly certain it starts to develop even before your child is born, because you are a mother from the instant they are conceived. I’ve read posts of women hurting from miscarriage, describing the guilt they feel for being unable to protect their unborn child. Almost always it is a circumstance beyond their control, but that doesn’t make them feel less responsible. When I was pregnant I worried and fretted over things like taking Tylenol or having even a sip of caffeine. (I do admit feeling no guilt whatsoever when I asked for my epidural.)
After we brought our son home from the hospital I worried with each cry that if I was not comforting him he would feel abandoned. I’ve known mothers who felt anguish when they didn’t have that instant bonding connection with their baby. Returning to work left me with such distress over who would be there when I couldn’t.
With every scraped knee and bump of their head, it is hard not to feel the same pain as your child. As they reach that age where you must set limits and rules you constantly battle with yourself if you are indeed doing the right thing. There are no books that give us all the answers, so much of how we parent comes from within.
I find fault and blame in others who do not treat my child as I think they should, no matter how irrational it is. I fret over making decisions, because you never know which one may shape his future. When my cousin Stephanie (our son’s godmother) passed away within weeks of my grandmother, I felt an extreme sadness that Ethan would not have the opportunity to know these great women in my life.
It doesn’t take much to bring on the guilt. This afternoon when I picked Ethan up from school I accidentally pinched his finger in the door handle. While he was jumping up and down screaming that I did it on purpose, I should have been more concerned about his bleeding finger, but instead my mind was rattling thoughts back-and-forth about how I could possibly convey to him that I would never do anything to hurt him. Then guilt sets in yet again. Not just for inflicting pain, but now for thinking of something else.
So I know it starts early, but when does it end?
My name is Emily. I’m 30 years old. I have often been told that I ask a lot of questions, but I think I have more to say than ask.
Awww… I’m sure he knew that you didn’t really mean to hurt him. And I’m sure that it probably won’t be the last time you feel as if you did. Sometimes, I make my own mother feel bad about things she hasn’t really done, things that she shouldn’t really feel guilty about. Sometimes things aren’t intentional, and it’s those times that we just have to let it go and not stress so much.
It seems to me the most natural thing in the world to should so much guilt as a parent. Children come away much more unscathed by these things than the parents. I remember being a right little cow when I was a kid, making my parents feel guilty for things. Perhaps it is because as a child you perceive your parents to have all the control and power and when you are hurt, upset or angry, you are able to rock the boat a bit and it makes you feel better. I wish there was a way you didn’t have to go through this… if it helps, I will tell you a tale about the time my mum (accidentally) dragged me down the road when my coat got shut in the car door. I wasn’t badly hurt, just very scraped and shocked. She was in such a state, she whisked me home, patched me up then took me straight back to school so I wouldn’t be late… I have made her feel bad ever since for not letting me have at least the morning off!!! Perhaps I ought to let it drop now, thinking about it!
Oh so true Kate! I can think of several things I’ve held over my mother’s head over the years….oh, like the time I worked at a summer camp in college and came home a day earlier than expected only to find we’d moved! Yeh. Seriously. I mean I knew our house was for sale & we were building. Guess that happens when you aren’t home all summer. They could have at least sent me a postcard.
oh, i so have been there. i’m filled with guilt 24 hours a day…
Okay, the bad news and the good news is it doesn’t end, but over time if we are open to the idea, we do pick up ways to cope with it a bit better. Mommy guilt is normal, debilitating mommy guilt isn’t. Take comfort in the word “accident”, there is a valid reason they are not called “on purposes”. Accidents happen despite our very best intentions, and we as moms have the best of intentions despite the fact we cannot protect our kids from every single risk, no matter how much we yearn to do so. Let yourself off the hook, understand the guilt is a part of the parenting experience, BUT if your guilt is to such an extent that it overpowers you and prevents you from enjoying your parentings, then by all means, run do not walk to a book store, library, county extension service, parenting class and/or therapist and tell them “I need some more tools to help me parent with less guilt and anxiety.” There is help out there and you deserve to enjoy your kid’s childhood as much as they do!
And let me add that experiencing mommy guilt does NOT make you a rotten mother. You are probably an even better mom than you think you are and the guilt can cloud up our vision and make us really dump all over ourselves. Let me know if I can help more. : )
Devra - I know I am a good mother. The post was really just explaining the “guilt” feelings we all feel from time to time. I do enjoy our child and for every thing I do wrong, there is something I do right. Thanks for your suggestions of classes or a therapist…but really…
In my last pregnancy, I washed my hands every 5 minutes, wouldn’t eat anything without making sure all of the ingredients in it were safe and washed and cooked right. It was a little much (so is the nature of pre-partum depression…there you have it), but that’s what my anxiety does to me. This pregnancy has been a little better in terms of my anxiety to protect the baby, but I’m still racked with the anxiety and what is really a fear of guilt. I sooo know where you’re coming from wit this post. The guilt does start early! And, it never really stops, does it?
Fenicle,
Ooops! I meant the generic “you” not actually YOU as Fenicle. This is a problem with typing and not speaking, sometimes there is a misunderstanding. And it was my fault! I apologize.
I did understand your post, was just trying to be helpful in case any of your other readers were struggling with the issue and weren’t sure about options. I’ve learned my lesson and need to figure out another way to to express myself so it doesn’t come off as a personal comment instead of a general one. Lesson learned. Thanks for calling me out on it.
I also would bet that for everything you do wrong, you probably do wayyyy more things right.
Okay, that should have read for “every ONE thing”. Oh lord. I just need to hang it up, don’t I? Been a long day…
Devra - no harm, no foul!
If you are going to BlogHer, I’ll buy you a drink. How about that?
Devra - I’m not sure I’ll be going. Would like to…? Depends on my work. But really, it’s all good
But I wanted to get you drunk. Damn.