Giving Back
Have you ever been asked to give the keys back to someone’s house?
I was tonight. Not just me, but my brother also.
I’ve written before that my parents divorced when we were young and my mother remarried a man she had known since high school. I get along fairly well with my stepfather, in part because I desperately sought his approval. He has two daughters of his own around my age and although we aren’t close, we get along fine.
My brother on the other hand hasn’t always had a pleasant and civil relationship with our stepfather. While I was seeking his adoration, my brother was purposefully pushing it away. He felt torn between creating a new relationship with this man and keeping the damaged one with our father.
Over the years of living together it’s been hard to get inside this man. He doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve, let alone on his face. The few comments I’ve received or acts of random kindness I’ve received are held with high regard and carved in stone within my mind. Although I’m not seeking approval, I still appreciate the figure he plays in my life and my son’s.
I know they are just keys, but what they symbolize seems like so much more than a piece of metal that opens a door. They open a path into a life of someone who’s been hard to get to know. I don’t believe this is what he really wants, but it’s what he is asking for.
I’m not even sure what events led up to this sudden decision. The only explanation was that neither of his girls have a key to their house and that he kept financial and personal papers out. Apparently he didn’t want anyone in the house when they were not there.
I understand but for some reason I can’t help but feel hurt. I hate the fact it reduced me to tears, because feeling vulnerable is not my strong suit.
Whatever the cause, I know I’ve always respected him and therefore would never bother any of his things. So out of respect I’ll graciously return the key (without making a copy) and hope that by having it he fills the void of his key chain, because no matter how hard I’ve tried this key certainly didn’t get me inside.
My name is Emily. I’m 30 years old. I have often been told that I ask a lot of questions, but I think I have more to say than ask.
Wow, that is a hard one. I’m sure it’s not personal….possibly an issue he has within himself and not with you. Hang tough! Returning it graciously is my best advice.
Everything happens for a reason. At least you have a good attitude about it all.
Possibilities abound. Perhaps he’s had problems with a relative in the past; insurance problems due to access; etc. Having raised my own kids plus 16 foster kids with my 2nd wife(all teens & most troubled) I can understand his wishes, but I have a feeling that tact isn’t his strong suit. None of ours have ever given us any cause to distrust them, but we couldn’t have a rule for just some, so it was a blanket “turn in your keys at the door when moving out” rule. It must be painful to hear it out of the blue and unexpectedly though, you have my sympathy.
That is weird…and hard. It certainly feels like a lack of trust to be asked to give them back. Very tough for you to deal with, I’m sure.
You have taken a difficult situation and written a very moving post. Wow…
A strange request … and is this your mom’s house, too? What does she have to say about it? I’m so sorry. I can imagine this is very hurtful. But I have to say, you sound so mature about it. I would be decidedly less so, and I have seven years on you.
What a beautiful post. I would have felt the same way about the keys, but would not have expressed it quite so eloquently. I’m sorry you’re hurt. I hope you find some other way to get inside.
That last sentence — wow.
I can see exactly how his move would hurt — but it seems quite possible to me that he didn’t think the implications — especially the emotional ones — through.
Wow! I felt that one in my heart. I totaly understand the hurt you haave expeirienced and Im sorry for it. I guess our parents wont know or understand our feelings unless they had broken homes themselves. I believe we need to share and talk about these experiences when they happen. then let them go the best we can and remember to minimize the causing of pain to our kids if we run into these situations(divorce) ourselves. Sincerely sherry sam
N, well this is tough, but you are handling it as a mature and understanding person - truly admirable. I remember when my aunt asked me for her keys a long time ago, oh how it hurt, but respected her decision as she wanted me to go on my own. Which I’m not saying is what occured in your instance, but, the sense of hurt and rejection (to me) did cross my mind. Since past that and you will too - as YOU are a strong individual.
cheers
p.s. The T61 is from my work as well…hmmm your hubby and I have GREAT employers lol.
I can understand the hurt, a key is trust, it was taken back from you. We have an awful lot in common with our strange little families.
There is rarely peace in a split house, sometimes there are easier times, however, the comfort is always at best, strained.. My daughter will tell you, I fight for their space, and Joe is good, but Sherry is still never completely comfortable..and I understand. Then to have the keys withdrawn..awful…easy for others to say move on not so easy..all of these experiences become part of our makeup.. One thing I can offer, which my daughter and I continually say..we can’t change what happened to us, however, we can change the cycle for the future and the people we love. You can do that for your children..I think you already do…and that does bring you peace.
joy and happiness to you..
Dorothy from grammoloyg
This reminds me of the time my husband’s step mom accused me of stealing beach towels from their vacation home. I was outraged and immeasurably hurt but, taking the high road, went out and bought 4 new Kate Spade beach towels and left them on her doorstep with a note that read…”Hope you find your missing towels, but until then , these should fill the void.”
Sometimes being the bigger person shames them into seeing the error of their ways. Next time they ask you to feed the cat when they go away, politely mention that you’d love to but for the fact that you apparently need a chaperon in their home. SOOO many opportunities for passive aggression. I thrive on the stuff.
impossibly emotional task.
wow.
[…] We had a family dinner at my parent’s house last night for my brother’s birthday (which is today). I can’t tell you the scenario’s that went through my head in dreaming up sarcastic ways in which to return the key. […]
don’t overlook the possibility he may have just wanted your brother’s key back and needed to take your key just for appearances. plus don’t overlook the fact you are dealing with a cold/paranoid personality.
anyway- whatever embarrassing personal items my family might find in my house would not even compare to the past i have shared with them.
Ugh. That stinks. I have a feeling that maybe the other daughter’s found out and felt hurt or excluded, or like your side of the family was trusted more. Maybe they felt exactly like you feel now and so to avoid the issue he just asked for keys back? I dunno, but it is possible. Or maybe it was your brother and he wanted to key back and had to ask for yours too. Either way, you handeled it gracefully. No matter what the reason, I totally get why you felt hurt and you are justified.
At least your step father had the decency to ask for the return of his key. My step father never did. He married my Mother, came to live in my childhood home and one week after the wedding I stopped by to visit my Mom. I arrived about 15 minutes before she was due to come home from work, she knew I was visiting and I knew from past experience that if I arrived before her all I had to do was use my key, go in and wait.
Not that time. That time I went to put my key in the lock and found that my key no longer fit the lock! My step father, whom I got along with fine, had come home that day on his lunch hour and changed the locks!! The explanation I received from him was “this was his home with my Mom now and he preferred we (my sister and I) no longer had keys”.
My Mom was pretty surprised, as he had not discussed it with her, but she didn’t not want to “upset” him so she let it go. That set the tone for the relationship I’ve had with my Mom the last 25 yrs. One where he has pretty much succeeded in standing between her and I. He reads her letters (if she leaves them on her desk he considers them fair game as she got to read it first…doesn’t matter that his name is nowhere to be found on it.) He reads her email (he says he’s just “helping” separate the important stuff from the junk!) My Mom has never been able to convince him that she means it when she asks him not to do these things. As a result I stopped writing letters to my mom years and years ago and now I no longer email her at home. I used to email her at work but she recently retired. So that ended that. I also rarely call her on the telephone because the minute I do he has a million and one things that he must tell her or ask her right then and there. Pffffttt! The frustration is just not worth the tiny increments of time she can eek out.
I understand your hurt…oh yes, I do. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Your last sentence poked me right in the heart. I’m sorry he hurt you. It matters not his intention, I’m just sorry it hurt.