Check Your Diaphragm
I’ve spoken about my father several times. In fact I dedicated an entire contest (World’s Worst Father) to him in June. Which despite the fact only a few people entered, I’ll continue next year to celebrate all those sperm donors who suck!
Before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers he shacked up with the lady across the hall in his apartment complex. Honestly, I don’t understand what attracted her to him. He was a smoking insurance salesman in a cheap suit and she was 20 years younger.
She hated us. She hated kids in general. I know hate is a strong word, but she actually wrote little reminder notes to herself on post-it’s. One said - “Talk to Bob about the children from hell.” That was us.
Their relationship did not last but a few years. I would say my brother and I were a little bit of a strain, but you can’t blame it all on our behavior. After all we only visited every-other weekend and Wednesday nights.
At the time I was 13 and going through all those changes a teenager experiences. I was angry at my father for leaving and I was angry at him for hooking up with this woman. So one afternoon I came across her diaphragm in the bathroom cabinet.
Having already sat through sex-ed I knew what this thing did. Using a needle I poked several holes through the rubber circle, closed the lid, washed my hands and put it back in the cabinet.
I know what you’re thinking.
I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT! Believe it.
It wasn’t that I wanted them to procreate. At 13 the only revenge I could set forth on her and my father was to punish them with something neither wanted.
Tonight I saw her for the first time in 17 years. A lot has changed. Admittedly she looks good. She’s married and has a 4 year old girl. Maybe we changed her heart? Or maybe someone else poked a hole in her contraception? All I know is I’m not responsible for this child….unless she’s still using the same diaphragm.
It made me reflect on how different my life and hers would be today had just one sperm made it through that hole.
Word to the wise - if you have step-children it might be a good idea to go check your diaphragm. (Maybe even hide it.)
My name is Emily. I’m 30 years old. I have often been told that I ask a lot of questions, but I think I have more to say than ask.
Holy crap! You’re evil - I love it!! I missed your contest, but I’ll definitely play next time: my father is suckier than any other father I know. Bleck.
Nice “meeting” you.
You are such an innocent looking thing too. Amazing!
Lol. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. I think she would have noticed….don’t you? But what a great and EVIL idea. Remind me not to kick the hubby out and take on step-kids….
Leanne - She didn’t notice because I went back and checked to see if she was still using the same one. Actually by just looking you couldn’t see anything…strange uh? Plus if she had noticed she’d have had a come-apart! Trust me.
or get an IUD!
Jeez. You have a bit of a dark side, don’t you?
Remind me never to piss you off; I don’t even want to THINK about what you’d take a needle to!
Hilarious, yeah and don’t get mad at me, ok? LOL
Wow! I don’t think my 13 year old even knows what a diaphragm is. Or at least I don’t think she does.
M&Co - Well I only knew because this all coincided with sex ed class in health.
Honestly, I’m really not this evil….it was just one of those things I did and I’m glad it didn’t result in a baby back then! But I’m happy for her now
My dad sucks, too! We kept toys at his house to play with while we were visiting. We weren’t allowed to play with our *own* toys until his two stepchidren were done. Give me a break!
It wasn’t until he moved across the country last year that we have been on better terms. Yes, absense does make the heart grow fonder. I still think he’s a complete ass, but he is good to my two children. And my daughter seems to adore him. God knows why!
[…] that was painless. Just be glad I didn’t write about diaphragm’s! Come visit me (FENICLE) sometime! No Comments so far Leave a comment RSS feed for comments […]
My adoptive mother(?) was the one from hell. I went to live with my uncle on the farm at 7 after Dad found out what she’d been doing to me:)
Came here by way of Cheaper Than Therapy (good guest post!)
Ah, the evil step-monster. I can relate all too well… Thank goodness the sabotage didn’t work eh?
From now on I’m holding it up to the light!
Good idea Nutmeg!!
b*babbler ~ I accidentally published my post a day early! I had to go back and correct it for tomorrow. So you got a sneak peak!!!
Mike S ~ I’m sorry you went through some obvious pain. I’m sure you were thankful to have relatives like your uncle.
Leeannthro ~ next June you should enter my ‘World’s Worst Father’ Contest!!!!
Haha, that’s cruel yet funny at the same time. I never would’ve thought of that.
Good lord - I’m a stepmother. What have they done to me!!!!!!
I’m with Bitsy. As a stepmom, this frigthens me a little
However, I have never ever had to leave myself a post-it to talk to my husband about his horrible daughter. I am lucky enough to have quite a lovely stepdaughter.
Whew.
And I hit submit while realizing that I just made it sound like you weren’t lovely. I’m a turd. That’s not what I meant.
Post-it woman? She’s a piece of work. Biotch.
I understand what you mean Canape!! And honestly I’m not bragging with this post….I’m not proud of what I did, but I reacted and that is what humans do.
This is too funny to be true…and it’s even funnier now that I know it did happen. I think if we put together the funniest stories from bloggers, we’d do better that Art Linkletter, with Kids Say the darndest things.
This is one great post… wow
Dorothy from grammology
call your grandma
That is hilarious!
I wish I had the guts to do something like that. But I don’t. I’m a big woss.
*snort*
too darn funny…
Got here from your guest post on Cheaper than Therapy…
Hilarious!! I’m probably going again the pack here…but I say…’Good for you!’ You were just a kid back then and had to deal with stuff you shouldn’t have had to…so you were a bit mischievous - (you were definitely NOT evil)) - good for you!