The Banner Of Life
I spent last week with a guest speaker my work brought in to speak at several area schools. My job was basically to chauffeur him from place to place and be sure and pick up his Starbucks coffee each morning. Hey, this is what I spent 5 years in college for! I’m sure my parents are proud.
I listened to the same presentation to teens 12 times in four days and each time I picked up on something different. Thankfully, he was a handsome 6 foot 9 previous basketball player and wasn’t hard to look at. He had a unique story, but in a reality many of us have stories we just don’t know it.
At one part of his talk he spoke about how we all have this banner above our heads that says, “Please put up with me. I’m trying.” The first few times I ignored that part of the presentation, then it kind of sunk in.
Yesterday, was not one of my finest parenting moments. I’m not going to explain what happened, because quite honestly I’m ashamed of my behavior. It was one of those moments I hope doesn’t define me in his eyes. I have a few of those from my father - memories of the way he reacted. It kills my heart to think Ethan would ever believe I parent out of anything but love.
The day before I got some unexpected news regarding my infected ankle and although it doesn’t require surgery (right now), the new plan is for me to carry around a 20 pound wound vac that will be sucking out the bad stuff 24/7 for the next 2-3 weeks. For now I’ll have this tube connected from my ankle to a machine in a bag that I’ll carry around. All I need is more baggage.
I’ll admit I’m overwhelmed and feeling very broken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every sense. I came home late last night from a work event having not eaten all day and preformed my saran wrap ritual. Once I stepped in the shower I broke down. All the stress and worry and guilt just hit me.
I’m most certainly not perfect in any light and I am not the brave person everyone believes I am. Standing in the shower last night I remembered what the banner we all have over our heads. Please put up with me. I’m trying.
I’m trying to be a good mom. I’m trying to keep everyone happy. I’m trying to remember all that my husband does for me and not focus on what he doesn’t do right. I’m trying to keep up with my work. I’m trying to accept help and be thankful that it’s there. I’m trying to be in good spirits and remember that everything happens for a reason. I’m trying to believe that there will be an end to all of this. I’m trying.
But everyone else is trying as well and I need to remember that.
On a lighter note, Props & Pans is giving away some beautiful items from Tomo & Edie. We recently reviewed their new line of Japanese hair accessories and last month their baby kimono. You can head over and see the items for yourself, then choose which you’d like to win!
That’s a message we could all probably remember more.
Emily,
I haven’t been bloggin’ for a while (6 months). I just hopped over to your site today and I’m so sorry that you’ve been ill. That stinks about the wound vac/infection etc. I have a family member who got a serious infection on her leg after a surgery and wore the wound vac for a while. I’ll be praying for you during this rough time.
Don’t beat yourself up too much about a bad mommy moment. We all have those. It’s the bad ones who don’t stop and think about it later. The ones that don’t regret those moments are the bad ones. Love to you!
Tina
Hi Emily,
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, you have a lot on your plate and you are doing fantastic. We all have those “mom moments” that we wish we could replay, it will be okay, Ethan loves you unconditionally. You are a great example for the rest of us and how you handle everything. You are a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, and sister. We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as you go through yet another bump in the road. Take care of yourself and let the breakdown in the shower be a therapeutic release of the stress.
Love ya, Granny Barb
Oh man. Although I can’t commiserate on the ankle issues, I have my own “issues” that sometimes makes it hard for me to look beyond everyone else’s faults. It’s hard to keep up the role of wife, mom, employee…and still have anytime for yourself.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself.
oh hon, hang in there. Life is so tough for you right now I can’t even imagine.
sister, you are fantastic. it’s the sum rather than the parts.
I’m sorry. I can’t seem to come up with the “right” words, but I am thinking about you and praying that things get better for you soon.
I get the impression you’re NOT TRYING to give yourself a break and a lot more credit, which you definitely deserve. Ease up on yourself, the only one that expects you to be a 24/7 ’superwoman’ is yourself.
oh honey. ((you))
(((Emily)))
Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time.
As for your less than stellar mommy moment my advice to you is to take a moment to apologize to Ethan. Don’t make excuses for your behavior…just be honest and let him know that you’ve got a lot on your plate right now and unfortunately when adults are overwhelmed we often take our frustrations out on those who least deserve it and that we love the most. Give him a hug and a kiss and move on.
I know you’re worried that he’ll carry that moment with him forever and that could be how he defines his relationship with you? *correct me if my take on that is wrong* I say bullocks to that. A moment or three in time when we aren’t at our best is not going to erase all the other perfectly wonderful moments we have as parents to our children.
I have to second what Mike says…lighten up on yourself a bit.
Hey there. Sorry to hear that your treatment is still ongoing - I am sending you healing thoughts over the pond.
I like the banner - it is too easy to be critical of yourself and of others. Trying is about all we can do. We don’t have to be perfect.
xx
Soooo sorry about your ankle. I’m sure that was disappointing news. But cut yourself some slack on the “incident”. I think we’ve all had plenty of those that we hope they forget.
Cripes, what a rip.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get your line out, and on top of that MORE to lug around. Ugh. What a pisser. If you want I can come and be your errand girl. I’ll even saran wrap you up.
Give yourself a break. I know it’s hard to, but you deserve it. You have a lot on your plate and you do a great job with what life dishes out. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you don’t have to be brave all the time and dangit, I just like you, so cheer up!
(((Emily))) I am so sorry this is happening. Look, when you have a personal health situation, all instincts are to care for self…but all expectations are to keep up with life, and keep your child as top priority. It’s a struggle. Take it easy, all around and on yourself, too. (hugs)
God bless you. You are braver than you give yourself credit for. You are being very vulnerable by posting your emotions and I think it might be a good therapy for you. Keep remembering that banner and also remember that no one is perfect!
That sucks about having to carry the wound sucker thing. I’m sorry.
You’re right. No one is perfect.
The thing I’ve learned with my son is that kids are totally capable of forgiveness - way more than adults could ever think to be.
I screw up as a mom all the time. But, someone told me that a really important lesson for kids to learn is from when their parents realize they are wrong and sincerely apologize. I’m guessing you did that.
My parents weren’t perfect either, and I totally remember times when they screwed up, but I can’t say that defined to me who they were/are as parents or as people.