Protected By The Ones We Love
Some people call it intuition. I call it instinct. It’s that feeling you have deep inside when you know something isn’t right or at least it’s about to go terribly wrong. I can remember a few of those moments over the past few years that have hallowed a pit in my stomach.
The first being the day of my car accident. It’s not something I can explain, but upon preparing for the day and packing up the car, I had this feeling of uncertainty. I’m not superstitious by any means, but something made me feel as if things were not going to go as planned. Ethan and I went about our business of course, packed up the car, visited a friend and her new baby, then headed to Wal-Mart.
I stood in an aisle at the store and debated buying a set of 3 lined baskets for about 10 minutes. My first thought was they would make a great birthday present for my cousin Stephanie. They were her style. My second thought was her birthday was still a few weeks away, maybe I should wait. My last thought was that I may not get them to her. I can’t remember why that last concern crossed my mind as I debated, but I know it did.
Those 10 minutes affected the rest of my life and the lives of those around me. Since that day I have relived the accident and what-if’s in my mind so many times. Ten minutes. Ten minutes would have placed me at my mom’s house for lunch when the accident was happening to someone else. I bought the baskets and even though I was in ICU during her birthday, she did get them.
The next memory I have was the night before Stephanie passed away. I had called her house and there was no answer. I knew she should be home, as she had been the past few days since she wasn’t feeling well. For some reason I knew something just wasn’t right. By the next morning my mother entered our back sliding glass door to tell me she was gone and in some ways I was not surprised. It was a very sad moment, but a peaceful one.
The last one I experienced was today. My arm has been unusually swollen since they removed the PICC line over a month ago. Finally, the doctor decided to have an ultrasound and check it out. As I was laying on a cold table in my bra and jeans and a technician ran the wand up and down my arm and chest, that familiar feeling was returning. Before she even said there is a problem, I knew. My thoughts revolved around a memory of Stephanie that I hold close to my heart and I was concentrating on it, rather than the technician’s words.
Turns out I have a serious blood clot in my shoulder area. The hospital staff and my doctor (who met me there) were rushing around making phone calls, running additional tests and I remained calm. If you know me, you know I am known for my excited nature.
By late morning I was sitting in my family doctor’s office listening to him explain the seriousness of this clot. He told me that the concern is it breaking off and traveling to my heart and lungs causing death. Instead of feeling like life was suddenly spinning out of control, I remembered Stephanie. A similar blood clot took her life before the cancer had time to full ravage her body.
In so many ways these feelings I have keep me protected from the unknown and living life in a state of fear. Instinct is our God-given natural protection. I don’t think it’s coincidence that Stephanie has been the center of these three instances and I wouldn’t be surprised for her to be there for more.
My name is Emily. I’m 30 years old. I have often been told that I ask a lot of questions, but I think I have more to say than ask.
Wow - I’m so sorry to hear about your clot. I hope it clears on it’s own. Are you on warfarin or anything now? (My dad has clots so I’m up on the lingo.)
Wow, the intuition thing is amazing. I’m glad it keeps you calm when you otherwise might be hysterical. I hope your clot can be taken care of quickly and painlessly.
Wow, incredible. I often get those *feelings*. Sometimes they awaken me in the night and I have to get up and pray, usually for someone in particular.
I will be saying a prayer for you and that your clot goes away without incident. Take care.
This was so powerful, Emily. Wishing you a speedy recovery from your clot. And so glad your cousin is looking out for you.
Oh wow Emily, you are in our thoughts and prayers. I know you are in good hands. Take care.
You know what, Emily? My Mom has a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) in her leg, and it goes from her mid-calf all the way up to almost her groin. She got diagnosed about seven years ago. She has to take medicine and have her blood clotting factor checked regularly but it is completely manageable.
I’ll be thinking about you.
OK I’m glad I clicked through and read the comments, because my first thought was, “Wait, if this thing could be life threatening, why aren’t they doing something about it? Why is this woman at home, BLOGGING, for chrissakes?!?”
Well, I hope they give you the right meds, and that it all clears out soon.
{hugs}
Oh Emily- as if you did not already go through enough! Unfortunately, we see DVTs all the time with PICC lines that are in long term. I am sorry you are one of those statistics. I am thinking of you and wishing you a quick return to home and a well deserved ordinary life.
Sorry about your blood clot - it really sucks, and I’m praying that this will resolve (dissolve?) without much problem. I have had those “premonition” experiences myself and I think of it sort of like God giving me a little “head’s up” on something. I also think it reminds us that God aware of what we’re facing and he’s reassuring us - and it sounds like you have an angel named Stephanie watching over you too! Take care of yourself and I will be praying for you too.
Wow, Emily. I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you and thinking about you.
I have nothing unique to add to the comments. Praying for you!
Oh Emily. My mother dealt with this. Hang in there, but as if you needed one more thing. (you)
And what a moving story.
You’ve been through so much already, sorry to hear of yet another hurdle. Thanks for sharing your preminitions, very powerful stuff. Sending you positive healing vibes!
oh honey. oh no. am thinking of you.
Emily, I’m so sad for your body. I’ve been thinking about you all week. I’ve had a a terrible time with the chemo this week and the two shots they gave me to avoid a blood transfusion. I’ve been thinking about how all this feels. So much is out of our control and now you share your blood clot issue. I am going to pray for God to protect you and make this go away. What I know is you’ve been through this so long you have to be exhausted. so my first prayer is your strength and the light from God to see you past this. Today I hate both our lives. I can barely write and I’m tired of it. There is so much in our hearts that we can’t say as our minds and body betray us….when will it end…?
My bes, my prayers, my thoughts…
Your friend,
Dorothy from grammology
[…] Last week was not a good week. Despite my tough exterior I was very concerned for my overall health. I felt safe with the medical plan in place to prevent the blood clot from breaking off and traveling to my heart or lungs, until the insurance denied the important medication needed to prevent that from happening. […]