Every fall and every spring I do some house cleaning. Sometimes it involves windows and deep cleaning the carpets, but mostly it involves surveying the gifts I’ve bought over the past year that are stored in our basement.

I love finding deals. Ask anyone who knows me. At Christmas I’ve been known to spill the beans and tell a person that I got their gift on clearance for $3. The bigger the deal, the bigger the thrill!

Most of the time my husband is embarrassed at my announcements to family and friends, but I figure he should be proud. It saves him money.

I’m in charge of the gift buying for this household, which means I buy all the presents for his family as well. This is no easy task people.

You try coming up with interesting gifts for folks who love red tractors, tell the same redneck jokes yearly and laugh like they just heard them for the first time, decorate in “French Country Wal-Mart” and only eat at Applebee’s.

No easy task people!

I admit to purchasing some loser items in the past just because they were such a good deal (that and I ran out of ideas). I also admit to getting a few, “why the hell did you buy me this gift” looks too. You win some, you lose some. Isn’t it the thought that counts?

FOR THE RECORD - I’ve never bought anyone this…

With my husband’s family it’s all about the sell. It wouldn’t matter if I bought them poop on a stick, they’d “oh” and “ah,” then thank us repeatedly. You could give them one walkie talkie and they seriously wouldn’t get it.

When it came time to wrap gifts last year my husband griped (once again) about what I’d purchased for his family members. I recall him saying things like:

“Too many knick-knacks.” AND “What will they do with that?”

So this past year I changed my game.

I’ve only bought a few of items I absolutely could not pass up for gifts this year. None of which are for his family. This year he is on his own. Let him fight the traffic and crowds. Let him find the poop on a stick dipped in gold.

For better or for worse maybe, but no one ever mentioned buying in-laws gifts.

We spent some holiday time, as we do every 4th, with my husband’s family up North. It’s like falling into a large hole and not being able to climb back out. You feel as though you’re sinking in quicksand with every family member interaction. A typical conversation includes some pessimistic attitude topped with a little blaming the government for the ruins of the world.

Sounds fun uh? I’m really unsure how these people function on a daily basis. They can’t make decisions. Ever. We’re talking about the decision of where to eat dinner - not life altering. My FIL looks for reassurance and someone to validate his feelings every time he speaks.

It’s actually a neat town with many lakes, shops and quaint houses. There are a lot of outdoor activities and places to visit. So while the scenery is always nice, the company isn’t.

We stay with his father because there is much more room in their house. But the issue always arises that his wife smokes. A lot. Inside. So we devised a plan. About a week prior to arrival we told them that our son was having asthma/allergy issues and the doctor had suggested we keep him away from any smoke until he was tested in a few weeks. Sounds believable right?

They accepted the news with some degree of hesitation, but compliance in that they’d be sure to “air” out the house and she’d smoke outside during our visit. Perfect.

Oh, we paid dearly for this little scheme. They didn’t have their air-conditioning on the entire time we were there. Granted it was pretty cool around 2 a.m., but at 2 p.m. it reached 90 degrees.

Despite all the “fresh air” the stale smell still lingered. My husband’s solution was to buy a gallon of Febreze and spray their entire house. It was a pretty noticeable linen fresh scent too. I’m fairly certain it didn’t go unnoticed either. One afternoon while our MIL was talking in the yard to some neighbor friends and we were sitting out on their deck eating lunch, something was said quietly. The two neighbors turned and looked up at us saying, “Oh no they didn’t!” Can you say awkward?

At least we left there and returned home not smelling like we’d been hanging out in some tavern all week. Now if we can only get the image of his step-mom’s “unmentionables” hanging on the line.

We visited with my SIL for the first time in several years. Her and the 4 illegitimate kid’s from 4 dead-beat dads. Always interesting drama going on there. Her branches don’t quite go all the way to the top…if you know what I mean. Those kid’s are way too cute to be hers! There is also the view we had of her crack burned in our minds.

Now I’m off to spend some time with my family. On a boat. In the woods. Camping. What was I thinking planning this kind of vacation?

7:21 p.m. It’s the In-Law’s calling. It was 22 degrees there today and they may get 12 inches of snow tonight. They wanted to know if we received the rubber. Yes, all 690 lbs of it arrived and is taking up what might be a permanent residence in our drive-way. Our weather today was 36 degrees according to the internet apparently. Forecast for the week looks pretty good too. They had a surprise 60th birthday party for Nate’s step-mother and wished more people could have made it. Uh, we weren’t invited! He saw where we had some serious flooding down here. My husband was puzzled because it hasn’t rained or snowed. Apparently, his Dad was reading some anniversary edition of our local newspaper online that was remembering the Flood of 1937. Back to the weather.

I came home yesterday to find these two animals (dolphin & turtle) in our driveway. Delivered by semi-truck and left without anyone signing to accept them. At first I assumed they were left at the wrong house. When I read the packing slip they kindly left in our mailbox it had our name/address and pointed out that the freight weighed 690 lbs. Then, I thought maybe it was a prank. But who? Last on my list would have been Nate’s family. In fact, my family would have been numbers 1-99.

Nate solved the mystery when he remembered a conversation from Thanksgiving. Seems Nate’s step-brother (who owns a rubber business & makes products for playgrounds) felt it necessary to send us 2 huge animals for our small backyard.

There are SO many issues with this:

#1 - WHO THE HELL would send 960 lbs of rubber without asking first?
#2 - HOW THE HELL will we get these things moved?
#3 - WHAT THE HELL are we going to do with them? Even with a fork-lift we’d have to tear down our fence, because they won’t fit through the gate opening.

I have to say it one more time….WHO THE HELL WOULD SEND SOMEONE 690 LBS OF RUBBER? RUBBER? UGLY RUBBER AT THAT!

Enjoy a laugh on me. My family has been. I’ve heard jokes about putting one of the animals near the edge of the garage, so that in case I hit the garage it will bounce off the rubber. Another popular side-splitter is that if we hear a noise outside, it’s probably just the dolphin flipping around. My favorite one is the idea of decorating them on holidays (you know lights on them at Christmas, eggs at Easter, etc…).

Every Sunday night for as long as we’ve been married my father-in-law will call us. The phone rings at either 7:24 p.m. OR 8:13 p.m. I haven’t figured out the reason behind that, but you can almost bet money on it. My theory is that it’s a commercial break.

One of the best inventions we invested in was caller id. At least if I know who it is I can throw the phone to Nate. I admit there are some Sunday’s when neither of us feels like talking and we let the machine get it. Although the conversation is typically short, it will include these topics in this exact order:

1) Weather - My father-in-law watches our weather online. He compares their weather with ours. Gives us a breakdown of the past week and the forecast for the upcoming week.

2) News - He has learned how to watch video clips of online news channels in our area and frequently keeps up with things that happen here. Then, he tells us what has been going on where we live.

3) Projects - Usually about something he’s doing around their house, in the barn or restoring one of his tractor’s.

4) Do you remember…? - This portion of the phone call consists of asking Nate if he remembers so & so OR so & so’s brother’s neighbor’s uncle.

5) Weather - Yes, again. A recap.

6) Have a good week, love you’s, etc….

We have no reason to watch the news. Our personal newscaster lives 6 hours away, but can tell us the record high for the day.