I have a doctor appointment tomorrow that I’ve been waiting for. Having just returned from a restful vacation it’s the last place a woman would wish to be. Nothing beats sitting naked with a scratchy gown covering your cold body as you wait…and wait in a pale yellow room for a rushed doctor.

Once it is your turn the routine is to shake hands, blurt out the “fines” and then hurriedly ask questions before the doctor asks me to put my legs into a pair of metal handles with pot-holders adorning them.

Can you guess which doctor I’m going to?

The reason I’m anxious about this appointment is because about a year ago when she asked if we were planning to have more children I had to explain to her I was unsure about the medical possibilities of that. It’s really just wrong that I would have to explain to my own doctor, that I’m unsure if it’s possible. Couldn’t one of the trauma surgeons from after the car accident have sent her a note, a letter, even a copy of my records?

Maybe they did but she still asked which ensued a discussion on what complications, or as she put it “challenges,” might occur. There are several foreseen issues - since they removed my spleen my platelet count as been high. It was extremely high right after the accident and I needed to take oral chemotherapy for a period of time while in the hospital, which brought the levels down to manageable, but left my hormones all out of whack.

Apparently during pregnancy if the mother has a high platelet count it can cause blood clots in the placenta and more importantly the umbilical cord. Strike one.

The other problem we know of is that I broke my pelvis and it was screwed back together. As most women know when you are pregnant your pelvic bones shift and open to allow the baby to be delivered. My orthopedic doctor already stated that a c-section would be required and I would possibly need to deliver early to avoid any problems with my own bone structure. Strike two.

These are foreseen challenges, which means there may be more arise as a pregnancy developed. The one thing we will not know until we actually try is IF I can get pregnant. What I mentioned above are after the fact. As we roll with life, nothing is guaranteed.

So last year at my annual exam we talked briefly about our intentions. My answer to her question was yes we would, but we are uncertain of when. Due to the frequent number of surgeries I’ve had since July 2004 (26 thus far and possibly one coming in December) there hasn’t been a 9 month window. Not only that but I feel I should allow a lot of the medications time to exit my system and work on being the healthiest I can.

I told her to give me another year and we’d go further with testing, discussing and planning. Tomorrow is that year mark and I’m sure the question will be asked again.

With all these issues my husband and I are unsure we should risk not only my health, but a babies life as well. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing different options and praying for guidance.

On a brighter note ~ Have you seen that Monopoly has taken away the cash? Wanna know more about how it works & whether it’s worth the price? Go over to Props & Pans and check out my review!

Recently my mom made a comment to me about all the good things that have been happening to us lately. The way she phrased it was that “because” of the accident…or maybe I should say “as a result” of the accident, I started this blog as an outlet. Since then cool things like the Detroit trip have happened.

Lately we’ve had some good news come our way. Most of it stems from finding out we are receiving a settlement from the car accident, that up until 9 months ago we were sure wouldn’t happen. This will relieve a lot of financial worries for us and provide some security for our future.

As a result of the Detroit trip I will have a 2008 Saturn Outlook sitting in my driveway on Wednesday afternoon. It’s almost unfathomable that GM would just give us a brand new SUV to test-drive on our vacation next week and put it to the test, but I’m thankful.

I would never wish such an event (as my accident) on myself or anyone else, but honestly I’d give up the Detroit trip, test driving the Saturn, the lawsuit money - all of it:

- to wake up in the morning and dread stepping on the floor, because my ankle is so stiff

- to not be in pain every single day

- to not wish I could turn back time and do something different the day it happened

- to not be jealous that we don’t have another child and many of our friends do

- to not wonder what my life will be like in 10-20 years & whether I’ll be able to walk

- to understand why it happened to us in the first place

I would give it all back in a heartbeat, but I am enjoying having some good things happen to us. My mother has told me repeatedly over the past 3 years that “things happen for a reason.” And I truly believe they do. Let the good times roll…

I’ve spoken about my father several times. In fact I dedicated an entire contest (World’s Worst Father) to him in June. Which despite the fact only a few people entered, I’ll continue next year to celebrate all those sperm donors who suck!

Before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers he shacked up with the lady across the hall in his apartment complex. Honestly, I don’t understand what attracted her to him. He was a smoking insurance salesman in a cheap suit and she was 20 years younger.

She hated us. She hated kids in general. I know hate is a strong word, but she actually wrote little reminder notes to herself on post-it’s. One said - “Talk to Bob about the children from hell.” That was us.

Their relationship did not last but a few years. I would say my brother and I were a little bit of a strain, but you can’t blame it all on our behavior. After all we only visited every-other weekend and Wednesday nights.

At the time I was 13 and going through all those changes a teenager experiences. I was angry at my father for leaving and I was angry at him for hooking up with this woman. So one afternoon I came across her diaphragm in the bathroom cabinet.

Having already sat through sex-ed I knew what this thing did. Using a needle I poked several holes through the rubber circle, closed the lid, washed my hands and put it back in the cabinet.

I know what you’re thinking.

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT! Believe it.

It wasn’t that I wanted them to procreate. At 13 the only revenge I could set forth on her and my father was to punish them with something neither wanted.

Tonight I saw her for the first time in 17 years. A lot has changed. Admittedly she looks good. She’s married and has a 4 year old girl. Maybe we changed her heart? Or maybe someone else poked a hole in her contraception? All I know is I’m not responsible for this child….unless she’s still using the same diaphragm.

It made me reflect on how different my life and hers would be today had just one sperm made it through that hole.

Word to the wise - if you have step-children it might be a good idea to go check your diaphragm. (Maybe even hide it.)

We had a family dinner at my parent’s house last night for my brother’s birthday (which is today). I can’t tell you the scenario’s that went through my head in dreaming up sarcastic ways in which to return the key.

They were good. Too good. But what would that really accomplish? I’m trying to be the bigger person and take the high road and just retreat.

Some were devious, others were delightfully tacky, but in the end I just left it there quietly without any words spoken. Because what could I honestly say that would make a difference at this point? What’s done is done.

Despite the hurt feelings, I am not begging to keep it. My pride runs deeper.

Only he can truly decide whether to let me in. It doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to be a part of his world; I just won’t have the access I thought I once did.

So my dignity is in tack and my husband is grateful I didn’t create any scenes. I’m reminded of a prayer I’ve reverted to many times in my life:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

~Reinhold Niebuhr~

Have you ever been asked to give the keys back to someone’s house?

I was tonight. Not just me, but my brother also.

I’ve written before that my parents divorced when we were young and my mother remarried a man she had known since high school. I get along fairly well with my stepfather, in part because I desperately sought his approval. He has two daughters of his own around my age and although we aren’t close, we get along fine.

My brother on the other hand hasn’t always had a pleasant and civil relationship with our stepfather. While I was seeking his adoration, my brother was purposefully pushing it away. He felt torn between creating a new relationship with this man and keeping the damaged one with our father.

Over the years of living together it’s been hard to get inside this man. He doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve, let alone on his face. The few comments I’ve received or acts of random kindness I’ve received are held with high regard and carved in stone within my mind. Although I’m not seeking approval, I still appreciate the figure he plays in my life and my son’s.

I know they are just keys, but what they symbolize seems like so much more than a piece of metal that opens a door. They open a path into a life of someone who’s been hard to get to know. I don’t believe this is what he really wants, but it’s what he is asking for.

I’m not even sure what events led up to this sudden decision. The only explanation was that neither of his girls have a key to their house and that he kept financial and personal papers out. Apparently he didn’t want anyone in the house when they were not there.

I understand but for some reason I can’t help but feel hurt. I hate the fact it reduced me to tears, because feeling vulnerable is not my strong suit.

Whatever the cause, I know I’ve always respected him and therefore would never bother any of his things. So out of respect I’ll graciously return the key (without making a copy) and hope that by having it he fills the void of his key chain, because no matter how hard I’ve tried this key certainly didn’t get me inside.