Yesterday you turned 6 years old. I can hardly say that, let alone write it. It just doesn’t seem possible. You’ve reached this age before we got in the basics, such as learning to tie your shoes or ride your bicycle without training wheels. Time has certainly gotten away from us.

Sadness is brought to my heart as I think about what each year as represented as you’ve grown. Instead of milestones like those above, we can measure your life by surgeries and medical events.

In so many ways I feel like you have been cheated over the past 4 years and it makes me angry. So much time has been focused on me and not you. For that I am sorry.

So it was fitting yesterday that during the exact time when you were born into this world 6 years ago, I was laying in an MRI machine having yet another medical test done. In an effort to diminish the memories it was bringing back of being helplessly stuck in a wrecked vehicle, I concentrated on breathing and focused on you. Much like I did 6 years ago during labor.

Yesterday I thought deeply about what has happened over 6 years and was has not happened. Where I thought our family would be when you turned 6 and where we are now. Most of all I thought about how what’s “normal” to you, isn’t to other kids your age.

I thought about the times when I’ve made it about me and not you. The times when I’ve chosen to ignore your needs and indulge mine. The moments when I’ve yelled in anger and cried in pity. The times that I definitely put me first and you second. Worst of all, there were times that I justified my actions by telling myself that I was the one who suffering, not you.

Aside from all these faults, you know how much I love you and that I would do anything for you. My hope is that if you take anything away from the situation life has dealt us, it is the character and strength that your father has displayed. He has role modeled what love and sacrifice involves, and how deep his commitment is to our family.

Despite everything you don’t have, you do have a wonderful father who loves us both. And that is not necessarily “normal” in the world today. Sometimes not being “normal” turns out to be a good thing.

I thank God daily for you both. I pray that the next 6 years will be more about you and less about me.

Not because we’re on vacation and there is an outlet mall within 30 miles that I will hit hard this week.

Our little man has lost his first tooth! Isn’t it too early? He just turned 5 at the end of July.

We were out to dinner tonight with my family (on vacation) and Ethan was eating corn on the cob. My cousin, Laban, noticed a little blood on the corn and when we looked his tooth was gone! Thankfully we found it on his lap and it is now safely under his pillow as I type.

My big question is what is the going rate for teeth these days? I’m thinking this first one should be several dollars, then maybe $1 a tooth after that.

I am suddenly sad today. I’ve realized that this time next year my only child will be in kindergarten. Which in reality means he’ll be in school full-time from now, until he uses all of that college savings we’ve been investing in.

Most parents rejoice at the thought of sending their little one’s out the door for the day and I thought I would share that excitement. But then I realized that this is the last year we can get up late and it not be a big deal. No worries if we walk into his Pre-K class 5 minutes late. There is no bell.

In the past we’ve relished our “home-days” together. For us it meant staying in our pajama’s all day and watching movies. Now we’ll have to start praying for snow days.

I think it all boils down to me losing some sense of control and influence in his little world. We can’t plan 4-day weekends and take off to visit family without him missing school. The kind of school that you need to call in sick for.

So this year I’ll have take advantage of a few more days where I pick him up before lunch & we can go out just the two of us. Then we spend the afternoon snuggling in my bed reading books and giggling. Because not only is he going to be in school next year, but the older he gets the less he’ll think hanging with me is cool.